Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The SAHga - Chapter1: Born Into The NuWave

Welcome to The SAHga series. An intricate, multifaceted, and fresh new way of telling the story of how Surf Ambassador Hendo came to be. Utilizing Music, Writing, and fine visual Art to creatively express this heroic journey from Day 1, there's something in here for everyone. Today marks the release of Chapter 1: Born Into The NuWave and I'd like to personally invite you to sit back, play the jams, carefully listen to the key note speaker: Kenny Fucking Powers, enjoy the story, admire the artwork by my mate Taylor Dunfee, and most importantly FROTH while you do all of these things! Tracklist can be found later today on the SAH Facebook Page!

The SAHga // Chapter 1: Born Into The NuWave

Once upon a time in an ocean far far away, Poseidon was drunk. Fatigued and troubled by a Sloth-like Dark World where lethargy, apathy, and a general sense of "paradise lost" reign supreme and the glory days where Sunshine, Hapiness, and genuine Froth were nothing but a dwindling memory; he was about to lose all hope. Needless to say, he needed a temporary escape for the night. 6 MindTai's and 2 Steele Reserves deep, there he sat, wasted in his underwater domain. Hungry, and as horny as Agamemnon on a Tuesday, the Sea God was growing restless and needed some sort of entertainment aside from the usual skyping with Gepetto. As fate would have it, the gorgon trog better known as Medusa, just so happened to be lurking the depths of that very same ocean on that very same night. Just like the glorious all mighty Poseidon, she too was blacked out beyond repair...

Sworn enemies and bitter arch nemesi, never in a million years would these two mythological deities even acknowledge each other's presence. Whether it was the malt liquor talking or a cruel joke played by Hades, the enemies soon became well acquainted in more ways than one. Things got weird fast and as Poseidon began to passionately caress Medusa's third nipple, a chilling wave of ecstasy danced from her neck all the way down to her sacred parts and engulfed her like a newly knit grandma quilt. It was the most beautiful culmination of good vs evil, when two become one, like a virgin touched for the very first time, and within a minute and forty seven seconds, it was all over.

As they awoke sober, confused, and sickened beyond belief, they parted ways and swore to never speak of the filth that occurred that night and to never speak nor see each other ever again, doing so would result in death by SUP (a cruel medieval punishment where SUP boarders surround you and stir/poke you to death). 9 Months later, a beaten and battered package that lay on top of a glistening white surfboard, submerged itself right to Poseidon's watery door...

As the confused Poseidon ripped open the package using his trusty trident, the World seemed to suddenly rumble as he initially discovered what lay within. Out of no where, giant violent swells began to disrupt the sea, crackens and sirens screaming "The End Is Here!!" littered the air and depths of the water, and the heaviest of off shore winds started howling like never before! It was an abrupt apocalyptical experience but it soon subsided as Poseidon took a second glance, reached in the package, and grabbed its contents. The suddenly shaken Sea World started surfacing above Poseidon's Palace and floated still in anticipation as Poseidon quickly swam his way to surface and triumphantly lifted a new born baby out of the water and straight into the air - Muthafuckin Simba Style (MSS)! Wearing nothing but a pair of headphones and a fashionable v-neck t-shirt that read "We Should Have Used Condoms :(", it was clear that this was no ordinary baby.

Fifteen minutes passed and a proud Poseidon (still holding the baby), finally began to speak: "Lords, Myrtles, Sea Creatures, Cocksman, and Sub-humans, Today, a mighty gift is upon us! From the depths of the Sea and the highest peaks of the sky, I present to you my only Son!". A huge wave of shock and awe swept the crowd as Poseidon fervently shook the baby and continued; "He is the chosen one, he is our only hope, he shall be the one who rids our World of the evil Sloth, and brings back the FROTH! CAN YOUUU DIGGG ITTT????!!!". The eclectic crowd of sea creatures and water freaks went silent as they looked at each other, pondered what was happening, farted, and then went absolutely apeshit as they cheered with joy and excitement at the promise of a brighter future and a new born hero! An overly excited hunchback whale in the crowd named Keropy suddenly raised his voice and asked "Dear Lord Poseidon (All Hail), you have indeed graced us with a mighty gift and for that we are forever grateful. But dear lord, what shall we cal this Nu Born Hero?". All of a sudden, Poseidon rose from the sea surface and floated on some kind of elegantly inverted whirlpool, lifted the baby, and sternly announced:
"Yeeeeeeeeeehooooooo! Umm, but sire, what does that even mean?" Keropy replied.
"Ah, yes my dear Keropalz, it's French, it means SURF AMBASSADOR HENDOOOOO!!!" at that very same instant, baby SAH lifted his little fist as high as he could and extended the most beautiful shaka the World has ever seen. The crowd lost it this time and erupted with bro-calls, hoots, yeeeows, shakas, fist pumps, back rubs, spirit fingers, and hip-hip-hooarays - for they all knew at that incredible moment that baby SAH would indeed be the one to bring the Froth back to their sloth-infested cold World. The future of Froth was in his hands.

And so it begins..

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