Friday, December 31, 2010

Top 3 Pet Peeves of 2010


They say negativity is the ROOT of all evil, I say life without a daily ROOT is just plain evil.  2010 was good to me in so many ways but instead of being Mr. happy-go-lucky as always, I've decided to shine some light on the negative things that pissed me the fuck off this last year.  Lets get down to business.

SAH's Top 3 Pet Peeves of 2010

#1  The Home Depot
Not only is The Home Depot one of the biggest stores I've ever walked into but, the place smells like shit and everybody in there seems to have paint chips up their ass!  As I seldom walk around that hell hole like a chicken with his head cut off, I might as well have a sign that says "hold my hand, I'm trying to build a cake", I still have yet to have a single worker even notice my haole ass!  Next time I go in there in hopes of building a skate ramp, finding some ding repair supplies, or tubes for my 2-in-1 beer pong/bidet, I think I'd have better luck asking Tonya Harding for a spare crowbar...

#2  SUP-Boarders
If Satan and Hades got shneeked out and fucked up on absinthe all night, blacked out, and awoke 9 months later with a baby, there is no doubt in my mind its name would be SUP!  Satan's sled and the janitor's throne, Stand Up Paddleboarding has to be the absolute worst fucking invention ever made.  I'm convinced that the people who ride/buy these pieces of shit also sign their self dignity away in a contract stating "upon setting foot on said Paddleboard, my balls will shrink inside of my stomach and my wiener will revert into a rainbow flag".

Not only do they look like kooks, they act like kooks too!  I saw some dude on one of these things the other day wearing Nike running shoes, a Wizards starter jacket, reading glasses, a beanie, and driving gloves.  Not only was he dressed to impress, I'm pretty sure he was eating a Subway sandwich while his dog was walking all around his board dropping pieces of William SHATner all over his pirate plank!  Leave your fuckin broom and pieces of sidewalk in boys town!

#3  Babies On A Plane  
This year's North Shore adventure = 45 Days of perfect surf, hot pro hoes ready to give wristys at the drop of a dime, raging parties that make Hollywood look like a kiosk, and  an endless supply of beer/energy shneex/sex/drugs/rock n roll!  Too bad I was stuck in a fucking nerdbot trailer during my entire stint on The Rock and only got to witness said activities through a dweeb monitor.  Needless to say, when the day came for me to go back to Cali, I was more than frothing at the mouth to hop on da plane!  Until...

I arrived at my seat, took a quick look around, and soon realized I was surrounded by fucking babies!  "Not to worry brah" I thought to myself as I pondered whether or not their parents were in fact holding Nyquil, a pacifier, or at least a teletubby to shut them the hell up if they so even farted?  Unfortunately, the only thing these parents held was a reckless abandon to not give a shit if them and their damn baby were disturbing the peace!  Normally I'd just put on my headphones and blast some electrohell with my iPod to drone out the noise if the storm came my way.  Unfortunately my iPod was broken and so no sound other than stale recycled shit air and the possibility of a baby's cry would make it into my eardrum that day.  And then came the rain...

Dual firing babies crying about who knows what, crossfired into my ear sockets like Tickle-Me-Elmo on cat nip!  Left, right, front, back, up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, select, start (contra ultimate lives)... babies were coming from everywhere and they were crying like they were getting paid for it!  I tried to bare it for the first 5 minutes, put a blanket over my ears and a pillow over my face, but to no avail!  BABIES!  CRYING FUCKING BABIES!  EVERYWHERE!  4 Hours of crying babies and SAH-bbing SAH, I awoke from the nightmare, released some methane in all of the babies directions, said goodbye to the StewardASS, hopped on my SUP board, and rode to the nearest Home Depot in hopes of finding an idiot to point me to the nearest contraption that would chop my ears off...

May your 2011 be filled with positive vibrations brada!  Roooots rock reggae!
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