Friday, August 6, 2010

The Sky Is Falling...AGAIN!

Somebody help me, I'm drowning in a pool of my own vomit!  Why?  Why, you ask?  The devil is playing with fire again and he's got his flame lit arrow pointed right at the surf population's innocent anus!  No, I'm not on crazy pills right now (ran out 2 days ago), I'm talking about Blue Mother Fucking Crush Part 2 aka The End Of The World As We Know It!

Kate Bosworth apparently decided to take surf lessons for the sequel, it sure shows!  Ripping! 

Apparently the douche bag filmmakers who made Satan's first Spawn (Blue Crush) decided that one round of torture and torment was not enough and that the waters throughout all of the World are still not crowded enough.  "More numbers, more numbers Frank" says Mr. producer douche bag as his personal assistant licks his asshole, makes him coffee, and reads him Producing For Dummies all at the same time.  As we all know, I have nothing against Women Pro Surfer's (as you can see here) but I have everything against Surfer Chicks (and Dudes) who claim harder than Donald Trump and still have yet to land a facking floater.  So what's all the fuss about?  Plain and simple, the wolf in sheeps clothing aka Hollywood.

I'm sure if Haole-wood approached me with a couple G's and asked me to shave my legs, my arms, my balls, and trim my nose pubes all for a 10 second stunt double shot for Michelle Rod ripping the Banzai Pipeline, fack yeah I'd probably do it.  But that's just wishful thinking, hell I wish Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan) would come give me breakfast 'n head umm I mean bed, but that ain't gonna happen!  So for guys like Twiggy and other pro surfers who are getting paid mad bills to look like complete kooks, I wouldn't necessarily say they're selling out, more like temporarily loaning their services.  I like to think of it as being a Jigalo; Hollywood takes you out for a nice date, brings you back to their motel, bends you over, butt rapes you, makes you play with weird toys till you pass out, and as you wake up the next morning feeling completely used, you glance over at the night stand soiled with droopy condoms and see a fat wad of cash and a note that says "you were terrific"; makes it all worthwhile!

I'm not angry or anything, noooooo I'm not bitter at all!  I just don't like when people come into my living room and shit all over the place, invite random guest over who never leave, and then make money off of what they call the 'best rager of the year'!  That, in so many words my friends, is exactly what Hollywood did with the first Blue Crush and most certainly will do with the next.  I'm in the process of filing a petition with all California coastal cities to ban Hollywood beach filming for commercial gain and I am also rallying a humongous group to protest this film's premiere when it comes out.  Stand up for what you believe in and join me in the march for cleaner waters free of surfer dudes and chicks alike trying to emulate that radical move their favorite surfer Kate Bosworth busted in their most favorite BFF movie of all time!  Time to take back the waters that we love and cherish, march with me in the fight for our freedom! 
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