Wednesday, July 28, 2010

To Catch A Predator

Ever since I moved to the filth hole better known as Los Angeles, I've seen some weird and crazy ass shit!  Like the time I was driving down La Cienega one day and I saw what appeared to be a 70 year old Russian woman wiping her ass in broad day light after taking a shit in a corner right by the Beverly Center (true  Or the time I some how ended up in the back of 2 dudes' Suburban (by the name of Smokey and Sniper) as they stopped at a port-a-potty in the back alley of a Ralph's, picked up their "cigarettes" from some shady dude hiding behind a scaffolding, and proceeded to drive me and Pinocchio back to the party on the left side of the road half the way back (true  Last but not least, the time I thought I was going to a new speakeasy and actually walked into the gnarliest S&M freak-show-orgy with at least 30 people doing ungodly things to each other, toys and all!  Oh wait that last one was my house on a typical Friday night, never-mind...  Anyways, point being, weird shit just don't faze me much no more.  That is until a few months ago...

On a nice summer day, me and my homie Kevelz sat outside of our local cafe in Downtown and did what we normally do; get shneeked off coffee and bird-watch.  As we sat there talking about myrts and frothing, all of a sudden our conversation and ultimately our entire day, was immediately interrupted by what most people would call disturbing, but we called legendary!

All I could hear was super loud ass yelling in a dialect that makes the word "froth" as foreign as Greek.  'Where the hell is that coming from?' I thought to myself as I glanced around searching for the answer.  All of a sudden, behind a UPS truck, pops out this savage beast scantily clad in tattered rags, revo sunglasses that hid his face, a Nepalese beanie with ear flaps, a suit jacket, and pants that looked like they had seen better days.  In a word, the guy looked like a malnourished Alaskan Brown Bear riding a bicycle from Toys R Us.  Not only was he yelling nonsense and making hand gestures as if he was leading a parade, he was weaving through Downtown traffic like a drunk monkey stuck in a maze!

This ain't the dude but he most likely mobs with him!
If that wasn't enough, he then proceeded to start making what most people would call obscene hand gestures, but what I would call classic Tom foolery!  That's right, this guy starts throwing his wrist around like he's having the best wank off session he's seen in years!  Not only was he pretending to jack off while riding his bicycle (one-footed mind you), he then proceeded to pretend to throw his seaman into the crowd of patrons at the cafe nervously watching him!  As people shunned their eyes and covered their coffees, I sat there laughing my ass off hoping that this moment of hilarity would never end.   Then, just as we thought he was leaving, he makes another circle back to the cafe and starts making hand gestures like he's eating pink taco (you know, the motion where your fingers are in a V shape and your tongue fervently goes through 'em...).  This guy was LEGEND!  Unfortunately, he had other places to go and more people to freak out so the crazy biker dude led the charge of his unsuspecting traffic parade and spurted off as he flew down the street yelling gibberish at the top of his lungs and motioning his body like a wild octopus.

Since that glorious day, I have only seen this legendary human one more time (screaming and flailing again, he scared the shit out of a polite Asian family trying to eat their breakfast).  Although I've only seen him twice, I hear the loudest and strangest yelling outside my window at least once a week, and I'm positive it's him.  If anyone in the Downtown Los Angeles area has any information about this guy, please send me an email (, as I would love to do a quick webisode with this freak.  I'll keep posting up at that spot in hopes of catching this legendary freak one day, but until then I guess his occasional screams of nonsense will have to suffice...
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