Thursday, June 24, 2010

SAH's 5 Things NOT To Do Before Surfing

For those of you who forgot/didn't know, Sunday was Father's Day as well as International Go Surfing Day (Love You Dad!).  As you can tell in the post bellow, I did enough celebrating for my Dad, the ocean, and the 4 year old kid who showed up at my doorstep to wish me a happy Father's day? (see pic above: fackkkk).  Needless to say, Saturday was a myrtflix night (myrt + netflix + Alize etc).

Rested, relaxed, and resolved, I got up on Sunday ready to join all the rest of the kooks at the closest beach with the slightest hair of swell in the water; yours and my favorite; good ol' El facking Porto!  Before hopping in my heapa, I grabbed a cheese kegel umm I mean bagel toasted with cream cheese and a mocha late (extra froth hold the foam, I got places to go son!).  Food scarfed, late pounded, ready to froth.

As I began to paddle out, I noticed the gnarliest churning sensation going on in my stomach (much worse than the time I took a shot of Simple Green [true story dot com]) and way worse than the ten pound shit I once took at a club in Vegas (true story dot edu).  As I slowly slithered out into the line up like a wounded fawn with down syndrome, it hit me like a ton of bricks!  "That fucking bagel and mocha froth-te is slowing me down like a trog in heat!!"  To make a long story short I got to thinking about all the times I've suffered in the water from poor pre-surf tactics and thus I decided to make a list.  The list is lost but I remember most of the things I wanted to say.  Without further adieu, I present you:

SAH's 5 Things NOT To Do Before Surfing: 

1.)  Participate in utter gluttony.
Several times I thought it was a splendid idea to eat a Krispy Kreme donut, froth a coff(ee), chug a redbull, and scarf 2 power bars.  The ultimate combination of strength, energy, and stamina right?  WRONG!  This might surprise you, but I've actually never taken a shit in my wetsuit or out in the line up (would you want Poseidon doing that on your bed?).  There's no worse feeling than getting a food cramp and feeling like a bloated whale while you sit in the line up and fail at standing up on every wave.  Save food, eat pussy.

2.)  Have sexual intercourse.
Everybody knows I'm still a virgin and have the smallest penis known to man butttttt I heard from a friend of a friend who once stole his dad's pornographic VHS tape that by the end of "doing the nasty", all you want to do is smoke cigarettes and go to sleep.  Unfortunately they don't make water proof cigarettes (yet) and I've tried surfing on a water bed before; it was like a fucking re-enactment of Edward Scissor hands poppin shit and spewin all over the place.  Masturbation might be ok but it's been said to kill kittens, make you go blind, and give you hairy palms.  If you enjoy those things, be my guest.  Just say no to rugs.


3.)  Smoke marijuana.
Me and Billy Clinton have a lot in common.  He has a fine pallet for cherry dipped cigars, he likes desks made of rich mahogany with a box of tissues in the top drawer, and he smoked a shitload of herb but never actually inhaled it.  The one time I smoked Mary Jane in my entire life, I of course did not inhale, but after eating 12 Nerd Ropes, I decided to go surfing.  Not only did I think I was an alien trapped inside a human body, every time I took off on a wave I stuck my hand in the fucking water hoping that dolphins would tow-at me into oncoming sections.  It wasn't until 5 hours later that I soon realized I was surfing Mission Bay...

This picture is actually from a SURFER article...
4.)  Stretch.
The one time in my life that  I actually stretched before surfing, I bent over to stretch my legs and my back got stuck like Quazimoto the hump back of Notre Lame.  Not only is stretching an urban myth that does just about as much as a Segway does for your health, it has been proven to give you pre-surf NARB's (No Apparent Reason Boner) which could be severely traumatic for both you and the rest of the beach.  Stretching leads to stretch marks, don't bring sand to the beach.

5.)  Listen to pop radio.
Sometimes I dare sample the forbidden fruit and see for myself just how shitty the radio is these days and just how shitty the songs on the top 44 billboard chart are.  Like the other day for example, I accidentally switched my analog FM car radio tuner to some pop bull shit called Amp Radio.  Upon arriving at said station, the most hideous song shot into my eardrum like a premature donkey at a glory hole!  All of a sudden it was as if Medusa herself was scraping her scales onto a chalkboard amplified by an auto tune vocalizer and blasting through my speakers.  It was Kesha and I was caught under her spell.  No matter how hard I tried to turn that dial, my hand wouldn't move and head began nodding as my lips began singing "your love, your love, your love, is my drug!"  I banged my head in agony and put 3 wads of public bathroom toilet paper in both ears.  I even pissed into my right ear to see if the ammonia would stop the pain, but to no avail.  Nothing I did would take that fucking song outta my head!  So there I was pumping down the line looking for air sections and nodding my head to "your love, your love, your love, is my druggggg".  I felt like Richard Simmons at an NRA meeting...

There you have it ladies and gentleman, thanks for coming out!
I'll be here all week!
Try the veal!
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate
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