Thursday, April 8, 2010

"Tell Corporate To Suck My Dick!"

We all know the age ol' phrase: "Cash Rules Everything Around Me"; CREAM.  But have you ever heard the age ol' phrase: "I don't make money and money don't make me"?  That's probably because I just made that one up this very moment.  

Doesn't matter who you are, there's no way to avoid looking stupid while posing in the bedding aisle of Target
Anyways, amidst the electro froth, tail wafts, and brewtalz over the weekend I was informed that lil buddy Kolohe Andino is now riding for Target.  Yes, the Target store currently ranked as the 29th largest US company that we all know and love for their cherry icees, smell of rank pizza, cheap knock off clothes, and exclusive ball squeezing-deals on musical artists' CDs that people probably rip off of a bit torrent anyway.  After hearing the news, I was a bit perturbed to say the least. 

It ain't no secret that I hate when corporations and/or Hollywood get involved with our cherished sport/art/religion/lifestyle/culture that is surfing.  Why?  Take a good look at the add above featuring one of the biggest emo kooks ever; Pete Wentz posing in his favorite receiver position for OP's clothing line exclusively sold at fucking Wal-Mart!  I remember back in the day when OP was roots and I'd rock their cords with a Bad Boy Club t-shirt and some checkered Vans.  I dunno about you, but I'm pretty sure that I'd feel like the biggest kook ever while trying shit on at Wal-Mart as some white trash dude purchases his duck whistle next to me and some meth head chick loads her cart up with the ugliest and most useless Easter shit ever to be graced by the creatures of Wal Mart, not to mention running the risk of looking like that twink!  That's one of the many reasons I hate corpos/Haole-wood getting involved (more to come another date).

Back to the lecture at hand.  
I don't blame Kolohe for signing the deal at all.  There's no doubt in my mind that if I were in his shoes, I'd sign that 6 figure contract in a flash as the thought of yachts filled with supermodel myrts shakin their jugs, fish tanks filled with shneex, and Cristal spewing out of tubgirl's anus becomes more of a daily thang on the reg than the occasional nightly wet dream.  So props to lil "brother" Andino for being recognized as a highly talented and marketable individual.  But shame on Target for crashing a party they never got invited to.  Target is inevitably entering a realm where they are most certainly the loser rich kid from high-school that nobody ever liked but would let him stand in the corner of the party just cause he always paid for the booze and strippers.

The Future?
A bit of uneasiness and fear strikes me as I think about the future and all of the other corporations who are undoubtedly also beginning to jump on board with this whole "surfing" thing as they quickly begin to make true the self fulfilling prophecy depicted in Taylor Steele's Campgain intro.  What's next?  Nat Young doing an infomercial for Proactiv?  Rob Machado doing a Pantene Pro V commercial?  Occy as the next spokesperson for Invisalign? Or even Kekoa Bacalso signing a 6 figure deal with McDonalds?  For fuck sake, the thought of all of the corporations that could eventually get involved with surfing makes me want to go take a shit in the bathroom of Target, not wipe, and try on 12 pairs of Shaun White jeans to wipe my ass with!  
A wise man once said "there's three things in life that you don't do.  Number one, don't piss in the wind.  Two, don't tug on Superman's cape.  And three, don't fuck with Da Man!"  Certainly Target has broken all three of these rules and I predict that one of two things are going to go down; either they try and "tone down" the once wild and party animal lifestyle of "the surfer" or they get a rude awakening when they walk into the first surf party they throw as the Lost Boys, Da Wolf Pak, The Bra Boys, Poseidon's Posse, Shores Crew, and all the other wild and rebellious characters within the surf world just completely demolish the shit out of their surf launch party at some douche bag Hollywood night club!                    

So to Target and all those other corporations infiltrating our realm out there, I'd just like to say leave us the fuck alone!  We don't need your money and we don't need your useless garbage.  We were doing just fine back in the day at our YMCA surf contests winning bars of wax and a friendly pat on the back!

Moral of the story: Brother's gotta get paid but "tell corporate to suck my dick!"
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2 comments:

  1. But I never won a bar of wax at YMCA because your brother was to damn good so where does that put us?

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