How To: Snarf Kooks Out Da' Water
Ladies and Gentleman,
it is with much warmth, pleasure, and happiness that I welcome my first ever guest speaker to the podium. Today we are going to be hearing from a fellow who goes by the name of "Snarf McMeowskers"; and let me say he's quite the jolly good fellow indeed. You may know sir Snarf McMeowskers from such films and TV shows as "Dancing With The Stars; It Takes 2 To Tango", "Where'd My Baunch Go?", and "Sir, You Are Snarfing On My Foot!". Without further adue, please welcome my first guest as he explains his first Part of a 2 part series on: "How To Snarf Kooks Out Da' Water". (Disclaimer: the thoughts and views written below are those of a sir Snarf McMeowskers. Surf Ambassador Hendo takes no responsibility for lewd or offensive remarks or when you crap yourself after reading this). Take it away Snarf:
Snarfing Kooks Out Da’ Water
By “Snarf” McMeowskers
Every tribe has it’s battle cry… Muslims say "Allahu Akbar", US Marines shout “Ooh-rah”, Xena Warrior Princess yells “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi”& even Da Hui has one. Now, after reviewing this list, you will notice that they all have one thing in common. If you hear any of their battle cries you immediately know two things: who they are and to not get in their way. Ignoring these battle cries will yield you but two grisly results you want nothing to do with. Either get blown to bits or have your pathetic shaft and dingle berries handed to you on a silver saw toothed frisbee by the only woman who managed to make Chyna bleed more than she menstruated during her 97’ WWF debut with Triple H (my sources at TMZ say that she was pumping out close to 2 liters in those days; read no tampons, just down pillows for this beefcake).
So what does this have to do with you? Well, if you shralp as hard as I do or consider yourself nothing less than a surfer you wouldn’t be asking that question. It’s time that all of the uninitiated comprehend what all the barnyard noises in my precious lineup are about so you don’t end up like Chyna. So please, take heed you ninnies as your about to get a lesson in Snarfing 101.
“Snarf” is a word that I’ve adopted from the glorious 80’s non-fictional television series known as “Thundercats”. “Snarf” was the name of the biggest pussy (and smallest cat) in the “Thundercats” crew… However, should you hear “Snarf” pipe up and “Snarf” his ass off you can be sure that Lionel, supreme leader of the “Thundercats” who wore nothing but a pair of titanium speedos and bore a 6 foot electric sword, would be there in two shakes of a lambs tale to square off. Having said this, it is obvious that with this word comes a great responsibilty.
“Snarf” is a simple word with a complex subtext. It is my battle cry, my mating call and my faux paux. Just as it’s distinguished past, it deserves as much love and respect as you give your little tube steak. It can be a warning, a threat or promise and can be used on the streets, in the disco, or in the lineup. However, there is an etiquette involved and a few do's and don’ts that will maximize both the intent and desired effect of your prospective “Snarf”.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Stay tuned for the next episode when Snarf actually breaks down the dynamics and shows us How To do this so called "Snarf" move. I know I can't wait... can you?